Yesterday I pondered the perplexities of keeping our girls modest in a world that is immodest. Today I answer the question how do we keep balance in our home? How do we equip our children for the world outside when we shelter them so much within the home?
I would like to ask the question how do you who don't shelter your kids equip them for the world outside? Is watching TV shows that allow premarital sex equipping your children for life? If my 11 year old watches shows of high school girls kissing and breaking up with their boyfriends every two days how does that equip her for life outside my walls?
Does the gardener set his young plants out in the garden to thrive with the mature plants? No, he nurtures them and prepares them within the safe walls of the greenhouse until the day they are mature enough to stand on their own. And so we nurture our children until the day they too are strong enough to withstand the forces outside our greenhouse.
The gardener doesn't say to his little tender shoot, "You know what you need? You need a good blast of ice so you know what it's like out there in the garden." He knows that if he exposes that plant to the ice it will die.
And that is what is happening with so many of today's children. They are dying because nobody is nurturing them in their own homes. Nobody is preparing the soil with prayer and Bible Reading and daily training.
The plant doesn't need to know what winter is like to be prepared for winter winds. Instead the plant needs to be made strong so that when it is old enough and it experiences the blast of winter it knows how to stand! It is prepared for the harsh winter in the warm green house. With daily love and care it's stem is made strong and its roots are put down deeper every day that it remains there.
(This is Tink and my granddaughter.)
We equip our children for the world outside by teaching them right from wrong. I think the hard thing for people to grasp is that children raised in strong homes by godly, praying parents eventually come to their own heart felt convictions about what mom and dad are teaching them. When children embrace Biblical teachings as their own convictions then you will have children that will be able to stand in the outside world.
The outsider looking in must remember that we really aren't training our children to be equipped to handle the "real world'. Does that shock you? When people ask how we are training our children to stand in the real world they mean how are we teaching them to stand when the boys want premarital sex and when they are prodded to take drugs and when they are faced with alcohol at parties and promiscuity is everywhere.
Our children do not need to realize what goes on out there in the world. I have very little idea of what goes on out "there". I have never been to a "party" and I'm nearly 50! I've never seen drugs much less taken them. I've never even seen a marijuana plant. I've never smoked a cigarette. I never even heard the big F word until I was 21! I have no intention of teaching my children now or ever about what goes on out in the world.
Our hope and prayer is that when our children leave our homes that they never attend those parties or date "those kind of boys". In training them we have taught them to respect their bodies and to be pure and holy. We have taught them to love themselves and respect themselves. We have given them the character to stand on their own two feet instead of teaching them to go with the crowd.
Another thing that must be remembered is that when we talk of our children leaving home we are speaking of them leaving as adults; not putting them out there when they are 12 and 13 and letting them date and have boys over to the house etc.
I firmly believe that a young woman who has been taught the value of self, and has been taught to be virtuous and pure is far more likely to stand then the young lady that has been exposed to this worlds corruptions from a tender age in the name of "getting her ready for the real world".
Yes, some of the girls that are raised in God fearing nurturing homes do fall prey to this world but not nearly as many as the girls who have never been taught right from wrong and who have never been taught to love and respect their bodies. Girls exposed to the world when they are young have no other reference then what they see there in the world.
Our girls know another life. They know there is more to life then boys and parties. They've seen their parents stand for right. They have seen their friends stand for right because mother and father have carefully chosen those friends that will influence them for good.
Strong homes are the only hope for the future of this country. Children flounder and fall when the structure of the home is broken down. We need strong fathers and praying mothers in every home across this nation, to teach and direct and guide the children so that they in turn can grow up to raise another generation with backbone and values and morals.
Hopefully this answers in some small measure how we go about teaching our young children and preparing them for the world outside the home. I welcome any further thoughts on this subject. I know there are lots of other mothers who read this blog that also protect their kids like I do mine. Maybe you too can help to answer this question. I'm sure more people wonder this then just Katrina, the one who asked.
Thank you Katrina for your thoughtful and respectful comment and question.
EDIT: Cathy re-asks Katrinas question in a little different way in the comments. She asked how am I preparing my children for life at college with ungodly peers. I answered her in the comments but I want to add here. I knew nothing about this world. I had only an 8th grade education from a two room school house and I went to college. I didnt even know what a credit was. I had never heard of it. In my time at college I never attended a party. I never drank. I never had sex. I just never put myself in those situations. Oh yeah, one guy pinned me against my car and tried to force me to kiss him. I kicked him in the groin and he let go and never bugged me again. I had never had a karate class. I had never been taught self defense. I was raised without a TV or a radio. I had no idea who the movie stars of the day even were. I knew nothing. When this man insisted on getting his way I wouldn't let him. I just knew who I was and I didnt need this man to kiss me to validate me. Is that so astounding?
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30 people discussing the dribbles:
But you haven't actually answered Katrina's question Mrs.D. Let me put it another way. Suppose Peter shows that prodigy you are looking for, only it appears alittle later as it's in Mechanical Engineering. If you lived around here he'd be off to Georgia Tech or Auburn U. I don't know which big schools are the Engineering schools in the Northwest. I guess What Katrina and I are asking is how are you preparing him to move into a Dorm on the campus at Georgia Tech. when he is 18 and has a full scholarship, it is his life's dream, he has a God given talent and the closest school, or the one that paid his way completely, including books and spending money, is three hours from home and he has to live on campus. Now, let Tink develope the same talent in music and get the same full scholarship offer hours away and it is her hearts desire to go there, study, and get that music degree. How are preparing them to land on these campuses with kids who haven't been raised in Godly homes? You can't choose their friends from now on? Not being critical, I think I'm asking valid question based on personal experiences meeting kids and hearing about kids over the years.
I am preparing them for life outside these four walls by teaching them to know and believe in themselves, to know who they are and to know what they believe in and to know right from wrong. I am teaching them to dare to be different, to dare to stand when everyone around them falls. I am giving them the skills to stand on their principles when others have none.
Do you think they need to be introduced to drugs and sex and popculture to make it on campus?
How do you teach your kids?
I have adult homeschooled children in my family circle. One was a national merit scholar who just graduated with a degree in physics. She did this without once mingling in the world of dorms and promiscuity. It's possible.
Speaking only for myself, what we do is not play the game of the world. The dorms are cesspools anymore and I do not wish for my daughters or my son to live in them. If you get much of your basic requirements for college taken care of during high school or testing out of them all together, (as any good prodigy could), you can bypass the dorm requirements for freshmen by not being a freshman when you enter. Many schools don't require this anyway.
I do not know what Mrs. D. does to prepare her children, but my girls are currently taking the Truth Project with me, we read books, discuss honestly the consequences of all the futile attempts by the world for cheap and quick personal stimulation, etc. They are not only NOT blind and ill equipped, I do believe they're more equipped. Too many kids live in TV land where you have all the fun and none of the consequences. All problems are not resolved in 26 minutes, plus commercial breaks.
Then they go out into the world and you pray it sticks. You pray they choose carefully the company they hang out with and realize there is a choice. We do not have to live the world's ways.
And you realize they may screw up but we fight the fight anyway because it's our job. It's not like we're lacking examples of parent's who didn't shelter and whose children screwed up too, and often worse.
To send them to TV land or a contrived atmosphere of a school is not the real world and won't even come close to preparing them. It's lies. If all this exposure prepared our children better, our society wouldn't be so screwed up.
Okay, that was a long one. Yikes. Hit a nerve maybe?
That didn't sound snarky or harsh at all, did it? I hope not. I was just making conversation. I hate trying to get "tone" across over the written word.
Lol no Konk it was just fine. I too am hoping my kids dont do the whole dorm thing. And I agree with you. When I was accepted at George Fox University they had no problem allowing me to stay off site. I actually hope my son goes into the trades like his father and Wendys husband. I would love for him to work with his hands for an apprenticeship and then go on to journeyman and supervisor. But if he wants to go to college then I pray that the foundation has been laid for him to attend college with integrity and honesty and with a heart that wants to please God.
I think sheltering means different things to different people.
Some won't have a tv, some will limit tv, for example.
In my own family, I have come to the conclusion that, in the end, the kids have to *own* the beliefs I am presenting to them. That if they dont', they will simply abandon them as soon as they leave my house.
That doesn't mean I give them free reign. They live by my beliefs and what I think is best and I explain my reasoning and hope they they see the value of it and choose it for themselves one day.
I hope that by teaching them that they have to make a choice, and will have to make choices will be more effective than my original idea that I had to "keep" them away from things.
Hope that makes sense!
A well-done post, Mrs. Darling! We have chosen to carefully shelter our children, none of whom are yet teens.
Instead of watching television, they read good books. Instead of putting posters of athletes or "stars" on their walls, we let them add their own artwork to our decor. Instead of heading off to the movie theatre, we play boardgames and go on walks together. Instead of listening to the latest chart-toppers, we grab a good old-fashioned hymnal and sing praises to God. We aren't holier-than-thou, but we do seek to please a holy God.
Do my children know that we live in a society that is filled with sin? Yes. Do they need to know all the sinful details? No. Do my children know that we live differently than the world? Yes. Do they know why? Yes. Do they have their own convictions yet? Not so much! That's why they still live at home and are in training on a daily basis.
Society can look down their nose at us all they want. I won't be pressured to hand my children's innocent minds over to a perverse way of living--winking at sin.
As long as what we're instilling in our children lines up with God's word, that's all that matters to me. He's the One we will give an account to when we stand before Him one day. I have to trust Him with my children's lives. After all, He is the one who has loaned them to me.
Very nice example of the gardener tending young plants. We take better care of the young shoots than we do our young children - pretty sad commentary on our culture.
I unashamedly shelter my children. I was not sheltered as a child, and though I was raised in an intact, moral, middle class family as a teenager I completely rebelled and did many, many things I wish I never had. I truly believe that it is only the grace of God that kept me alive.
Childhood is a the time when major appetites and habits are formed. It is possible for an adult to develop a habit with, say for example, smoking or heavy drinking, but it is much, much more likely to take hold of a person who started as a teenager. Keeping our children close to us and watching over their appetites as children greatly reduces the chance of them developing a serious problem with the vices we know are lurking, wanting to take hold of their lives. I see this as especially important in the boys, who are developing their attitudes toward women and what they appreciate in women.
But also, we talk. I talk to my kids all the time. We talk about why those girls on the covers of magazines appear as they do. We talk about philosophies of life. Are we here to grab the next pleasure, or is there a greater purpose? What are advertisers trying to communicate through that picture? What was the basic assumption made in that movie? Why did that newscaster frame that question that way? How does all this frame up against what God says? This is how we prepare our children. My children (and I have 9, ages 16 to 1) do not need to SEE the debauchery out there to know that it's there. I want them to develop the habit of not toying with it. My older children are trustworthy movie and book screeners now. They are as quick as we are to flip a movie off if something 'wrong' comes up. This is the real world I am training them for. To be agents of change, not just another consumer of the worldiness at large.
Is this a guarantee that all my children will grow up to be absolutely moral Christian adults? Children are not robots. But the Bible talks about keeping company with fools, and I do not allow my children to keep company with fools. Not the skateboard thugs who hang out on the corner, nor the ones who attempt to come into our house by way of TV, books, magazines, etc.
Loved this Kerri. Its my sentiment exactly. If children are taught right from wrong and they see right being modeled in the home it wont take them long to embrace the right for themselves.
LOL I was surprised to see I had already commented on a piece I had never read before (insert Twilight Zone music!), but turns out it was a different Mrs. C. Phew.
I for one am letting my younger kids do all KINDS of stuff people in the "world" don't, like watch the Lord of the Rings movies. I'm a bad parent that way. But they're really not sure who all the stars are or that sort of thing. So they have odd conversations even with people at church who shield their children in different areas than I do.
It isn't wrong, necessarily, depending on the kid and the parent. Of course there are folks "way out there" on both ends of the spectrum. Maybe the smaller boys having much older brothers made me less protective in some ways.
That or I'm just old and tired of fighting ;]
These are thought-provoking posts, though.
Exactly--"Strong homes are the only hope for the future of this country."
We build strong sons and daughters by protecting them from the evils of this world until they are old enough to understand. Then WE teach them about the problems associated with premarital or unnatural sex, illegal drugs, cancer-causing tobaco, and brain-melting alcohol.
At a scout merit badge clinic, one merit badge counselor told the 11 and 12 year old boys to go home and ask their parents about a certain sexual practice then practiced by our "honorable" President Clinton. My youngest did just that. We explained just as Corrie Ten Boom's father did in The Hiding Place, that this knowledege was just to heavy for him then. We would talk about it another time. To him this was just fine. Several years later, we did talk about it, matter-of-factly. After our conversation those many years ago, we had this merit badge person banned from working with youth in our church and in scouting.
If you haven’t learned to work, talk, and play together, you haven’t lived.
KL
Mrs. D,
I love your post. My husband and I were just talking about this. It's so hard, even in the church setting, when other parents are raising their kids to be godly, respectful, etc. Our kids see that and wonder if it's okay to be that way, if other "Christian" kids are behaving that way? We have to constantly reinforce the truths of God's word and the teachings of the church. We have to remind them of what is true, pure, righteous, etc. AND, we have to live in for them.
This was a great post!
Amen! I believe my childhood "sheltering" and now the "sheltering' of my own children has, and is, bearing out the truth of your post.
Double Amen sister!!
I can't add anything to this except for the fact that I too was sheltered, and really have not been tempted much by the worlds things; I think it's true also what Kerri said about appetites being developed young.
I admit I wanted to write about this yesterday after reading the comments,but you have covered it perfectly.
I agree with a lot of what you say and wrote a post about "Sheltering Our Children" a few weeks ago as part of a homeschooling meme. In our society, life without God is considered normal and a sinful lifestyle is considered the real world. As Christians, we know that God created the world and those who follow Him and His Word are truly the ones living in the real God-created world.
Mrs. D,
You've done it again...you took on the tough question...We prepare by example...the "world" isn't going away, and we are "instructed" to "raise them up" with values and convictions so that when the time comes for them to "go out into the world," they CAN and WILL...knowing what is RIGHT and WANTING to stand on those beliefs. Knowing WHO you are in HIM is what makes that happen....
I pray that I can teach them that...it's my calling!
I can't dictate what or where my children will go...that is for God to know and for them to discover. It may mean living FAR from me...but it's peace in KNOWING that I'm preparing them each and every day for the PLANS, the PERFECT PLANS that God has for them...not me..
Strong mothers and fathers, faith and values and morals,instilling confidence and ethics....doesn't sound crazy to me!!
FABULOUS POST.....
well said...
blessings,
lori
Triple Amen!!!!! I loved this post, and it really makes me think!
Even going/dorming to Auburn.....or ANY other University, does not make it a rule that you have to be a partier! If you are brought up and shown the ways of the Lord, you have an awesome defense againist such things (partying)!
Thank you for your view Mrs. Darling!!! I completely agree!
And may I just say War Eagle!!!!
War Eagle right back Marva! And you are right, it can be done in a dorm. As Mrs. D. knows I'm a Counselor and tend to see the disasters after they have happened. I have seen some really bad train wrecks involving sheltered kids who were given absolutely no preperation for what they about to enter and the real world of college life in the 2000's. I would hate to think my little sheltered self had to enter it, it was bad enough and I got into enough trouble in 1968, I can't even imagine what would become of me if that same kid was left in a dorm now!
I have to say I liked your answers, for the most part you all have a plan. I think that was my question all along. As long as talking and discussing goes along with the sheltering there's not going to be so many surprises. I esp. liked kerri and the second mrs. c, I too am tired, I can relate. Thanks ladies, as I told Mrs. D. last night you have given me the opportunity to use my mind to do something besides worry about one very ill elderly parent while I grieve the death of the other. You'll never know how much it's helped! Please say a prayer for my Dad and I, we've had a tough coupe of months and it just doesn't seem to be getting much better.
This is an EXCELLENT post! I remember reading the book Dear Princess, and I couldn't believe the simple wisdom that I had never been taught. i.e. It is NEVER appropriate to go to a boy's dorm room~especially alone! Do not smile or wave when whistled at by a boy or group of boys. Just common sense stuff I did not know and could possibly have kept me out of trouble had I known such things. It's okay and I'm okay, but my daughter will be shepherded in a different way than I was!
LOVED your child prodigy post~LOL! I'm so glad that someone I look up to is human too~LOL! I've wondered the same thoughts.... (((((HUGS))))) sandi
WOOHOOO! I just saw my quote on your sidebar~MADE MY DAY! ~smile~ (((((HUGS))))) sandi
I feel I am in the middle ground with how we shelter/ allow into the world with our kids. I don't in any way think that people who home school through college are sheltering their children too much. I really admire them and their choices. For our family and our life we have chosen to put them in school for high school. My first was 9th grade when I was struggling with a 6th, 3rd, 1st, and 4 year old. I was tired and did not feel that I was able to keep her on a high level of learning (since then I have learned that it was just fine- but as my 1st to home school I was not confident in how my teaching would pan out)Part of me decided to put her in school because I felt she knew everything about right and wrong and I wanted to be there to guide her through learning to make decisions that would come up. She has done a remarkable job of not falling into worldly views and holding steady to our beliefs. She has just started dating her first boyfriend and she graduates in 2 weeks. He has come to our house for 6 months with a group of others and they were just friends for all that time and they still only see each other in our presence or they have gone out as a group a couple of times. I totally feel we should shelter them. I also feel our job is to teach them how to be self sufficient and able to make choices. I am slowly giving them rope in their choices and independance so that by the time they are around 16 they can make all those choices and have skills for life. It is hard to describe because I don't give them free rein but I guess it is I am no longer just telling them what to do. By that age they prove they can make logical Biblical choices or I pull back the rope and am more controlling. I am sure that this is what you also are doing so please do not think I am saying my way is right or better than keeping them out of school settings. I don't feel that they need to be put into bad situations to learn how to handle them, that is rediculous. I felt like my child, now two of them, were ready to go and not fall. We do not have money for college saved and cannot afford 5 tuitions, so it is the easiest way to get college money. It can be done home schooling them all the way through but I did not have a strong desire to do it and defintely do not have the skills in math and higher sciences to really teach them. My daughter recieved a full scholorship to a university and although could have gotten one from Alabama, she wanted to stay home and accept our home town university scholorship. My son wants to play football and could not as a home schooler. I believe each family has it's own things to consider and no matter what choice you make it is the most important to teach them values and guide them,to keep communication open and prepare them.
My views may not be quite as popular as some, but I wanted to share anyway. I was raised in an extremely sheltered environment. I don't really think I ever even met anyone who was not a Christian until I was out of school. When I became an adult and had to live in the "real world" which is full of non-christians, I had no clue how to deal with them. I had never been told about anything other than the Bible, was never allowed to watch any tv or listen to any music that was not hymns or never allowed to go to movies. I struggled for many years to try to find out how to function in a world that was so opposite from anything that I had ever experienced. It was very difficult. I now have 3 kids mostly teenagers and yes, we have chosen to homeschool and yes we do have strict standards for them, but they are not sheltered from the world the way that I was. They have been taught about the evils in the world and have been taught why they are wrong and how to protect themselves from them. There has to come a point when it becomes their beliefs and not just mine. I was never given that chance and now, I have chosen to have my own set of beliefs that are not exactly in sync with my parents. When faced with a decison of whether or not to do something, "because my parents said it was wrong" is not always going to be enough. I think we can shelter them, but still show them what it is we are sheltering them from. They will be faced with it one day, why not let them see it with a loving parent by their side. I know we have to be seperate from the "world", but we also have to live in the "world" with all of it's evils and all of it's trickery. I just want my kids to be prepared and not be faced with anything that we haven't already discussed and that they are not already "wise to". My girls know that they can talk to me about anything. Nothing needs to be hidden, we are very open and we have developed a strong sense of respect for each other because of that. Anything they ask me about, I am very honest to tell them about and not to sugar-coat it. I want them to hear it from me before they hear it from somebody else.
I am very passionate about this having gone through it as a teenager and then young adult. I know I want my kids to be able to avoid so of the same mistakes I made because I was not prepared to face the "giants".
Having grown up in an environment that closely resembles your own upbringing, I understand where you are coming from and partly agree and partly disagree. This whole issue of sheltering kids was one of the factors for my wife and I leaving that environment. I have seen way too many people sheltered from the “world” only to become real hell raisers when they finally were “allowed” to leave home. In a way perhaps, I was one of them. And even I was not sheltered as much as some.
I do feel however that it IS our responsibility as parent to prepare our kids for the real world, yet I do not feel that we need to isolate them. Kids need to experience life and they need to know the dangers. This does not mean they need to become pot smoking, sex starved little teenagers. But they need to know how to function in what is sometimes a very dysfunctional world. If you set the basic rules of life in motion very early in a child’s life, you have won a large part of the battle. If you teach them discipline they will learn to discipline themselves to some degree. Will they make mistakes? Yeah. Will they be perfect angels? No. But they can still be men among boys and women among girls.
My philosophy for raising my kids has two edges and has served our family well: Say YES to your kids as often as your can. When you say NO, mean it.
So yes, prepare your kids for life. But don’t be afraid to let them live.
I think the real thing that needs to be gotten across is that no kid will stand for right unless tehy beleive its right. Mom and Dads convictions aren't going to mean much when they are on their own. Our children have to come to their own convictions and know what they believe as individuals. Our job is to teach them and mold them and shape them in the way that is right and only God can work in the heart and make that teaching a real heart conviction for the child.
Its hard to mold that child when he is continually exposed to the world. That exposure will come later in life but while they are in the home they need to be prepared for the world outside.
I think we can see from this discussion that everyone agrees training and discussions must happen in the home. Where the little disagreements are coming in is how much exposure that child needs or how much sheltering should we do. It looks like our ideas on that are influenced largely by how much or how little we we ourselves were sheltered. Interesting concept.
I agree. I think the key statement was, "I just knew who I was." I was like that too. I believe the only ones who hold true are the ones who know who they are, and they don't gain that knowledge by being buffeted by peer pressure.
I saw it from both sides growing up. I had one friend who was sheltered and ended up very unprepared for the world and ended up having many problems. Another friend was sheltered but ended up doing great. The difference was socialization and being taught to deal with other people in my opinion. The child that was sheltered and pretty much never allowed out of the house besides church with no socialization skills is the one that had problems. The one that had friends, was taught right from wrong, understood that there were people who held different beliefs and why they were wrong yet taught to still love them, and were not coddled by mom and dad did really well. However I do not think that we need to teach them about different beliefs until they are old enough to understand it.
One thing that I would like to bring up is that a lot of the kids who are really sheltered to the point of not really making their own choices but following parents teaching are taught to be judgemental. We can teach them that things are wrong without making them legalistic. How can they be a light if they will not associate with anyone other than those exactly like themselves. I teach my kids to the point that I trust them to go out and be brought in contact with things. We have missionaries that are among naked topless women. Among people who worship trees and other things. They go to them to tell them of our God. I don't want my kids to be afraid of difference, I also don't want them to fall to their differences, so it is a process of teaching them then letting God control them while watching their choices and guiding them with God's help.
I really enjoyed your post! Very thought provoking & I agree. :o)
Things here in Uk are slightly different tv wise, until a few years age most families only had 5 channels, now we have lots and lots... and lots. Its having a huge effect, particularly on how girl's dress. A friend recently told me she would only buy her 9 year old a mobile phone if she learnt to look after her hair and skin properly, keep her nails nice etc. Firstly aren't 9 year olds meant to be muddy with tangled hair, being nagged to wash it, and secondly what on earth does a 9 year old need a mobile phone for?
My girls may be naive compared to their peers but there's plenty of time to be exposed to the realities of life.
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